A Unique Collection Of Historic Events
by Ai-Kyung-Wei
Summary: This is a story of a fearless girl who finally signed in to her msn and felt so strong she took on the beast... how did it leave her? well read inside and find out! Now including fights with ninja...KITTENS. Oh yeah, and a couple twins...
1. The Story Of Tilly and The Bear

**The Story Of How Tilly Lost Her Arm**

All 29 sparkling young eyes looked eagerly at their grandma. She loved her husbands, she really did, but 13 kids were pushing it and when she had to look after all her grandkids she really wanted to murder them, _again_. She sat back in her chair and folded her one arm over her lap.

"What do you want to hear this time children?" she asked in her old frail voice.

The eldest of her grandchildren, her daughter Megan's little boy Ralph, piped up,

"The story of how you lost your arm grandma!" and all the rest cheered in agreement.

"Fine, fine. Settle down my dears and I will begin." She wiggled in her seat as to comfort her old bones and took a deep breath,

"It all began on the 31st of July, 2010."

~#*Flashback*#~

Finally, after long gruelling months of having to use web messenger she had gotten her msn to work. What a relief it was just to sign in like every other teenage girl and talk to her friends without the extra hassle and the non-use of photo sharing, music sending and nudges! It had been tough but her genius had finally helped and here she was in the windows live messenger contact screen. Oh. Sweet. Victory. All it took was the deletion of half her documents and programs and the random clicking of options on the sign in screen and finally she had access.

TILLEH says:

***wayyy**

***check out who fixed their messenger biatch!**

All her friend did was give her the laugh emoticon. Did she not understand the justice of the situation? She felt empowered now, like a mega genius or a cage fighter! She felt like she could take on a whole room of S-Class missing nin and win against them, or a bear! Yeah a bear, right! They were going to Russia!

The next morning her and her trustworthy companion took their ever faithful 2 man all terrain land rover plane that her friend had constructed in her garage one summer whilst very _very _**very **bored. And so, they flew to a sparsely populated area of Russia, somewhere in the north. She was never really sure.

The bar they spent the day in was dank, dirty, full of smoke and smelled strongly of the cheap vodka everyone was shooting back like water. Her friend carried her favourite cowboy gun next to her right hip, bullets on a chain around her neck, where as she had nothing but the nails she sharpened into points on the way over here. There was a movement at the darkest end of the bar, out of it slunk a giant black bear. His fur was greasy to say the least, he smelled like something her dog would happily roll in before eating the 'uber yummy' body of the deceased small furry animal. His breath was horrible and he really could have done with a toothbrush but she wanted to take this bear!

Like a flash of lighting she punched him in the face, clawing with her nails through his eye. He quickly retaliated by clubbing her with his massive paws to the ground. As she fell under him she couldn't help but notice he had huge, and I mean **big,** nuts! She quickly reached out and grabbed them, raking her claws through the flesh connecting them to his body, ripping them off. He let out a terrifying roar and latched his mouth onto the arm she wasn't using to rip his balls off and pulled it clean off her shoulder. She was so hyped up on the pain and adrenaline she didn't notice and began hitting him with his own ball sack. After he finished ingesting her shoulder she opened his mouth up and stuffed his own balls inside before holding his mouth shut and choking him to death.

~#*End Flashback*#~

"Funnily enough that was how your granddad Jack died. God was he a pain in the ass, literally!" she shook her head away from her reminiscing.

"How did granddad Alex die?" asked her favourite grandchild, Sacha.

"The amount of roofies we injected him with, I doubt he remembers a thing..." she turned her head and let out a sigh, "that boy probably remembered the van but after that who knows." Ahh back in the days when she was young and wild.

"What are roofies? And how did he die!"Sacha demanded.

"Stories for another day, my dear, stories for another day." She looked them all in the eye and gave them a smile, "now piss off! The cat returns is on!" she said as she threw the remote at them. Ahh how she loved her grandkids.

* * *

**The End.**

And that my friend was how my friend/partner in all crimes/retard in common Tilly lost her arm...


	2. The Story Of The Twins,NK's,Satan & Dio

Of Ninja Kittens And The Devil

Jordan looked to his old friend Tomas,

"What do you want boy?" he sounded as old as his face, which was pretty fricking old,

"What happened to more Gordon?" the old man looked to the slightly less old man and began his tale of woe and cats.

~#* Flashback*#~

Band practice was good, their new drummer was cool, they had a few new songs and they were happy. Suddenly the doors to the practice room burst open.

"Help!" screamed their friend Tilly, "they're after me again!"

"Who?" asked Jake.

"Those damn cats! I honestly didn't see him I swear! He was black, so is the road. C'mon! Who blames me? I _am _the world renowned cat hater!" Ah it was always the case with Tilly. She had probably killed more cats than a baby had taken a dump in a nappy. Their good veterinarian friend Georgia was always there to pick up the pieces though so life was good.

Suddenly from all sides a terrible yowling wail could be heard.

"Oh fudge sticks! He said he had them but I didn't think he was for real!" all faces looked to Tilly like 'what the hell?' "THEY'RE FRICKING NINJA KITTENS!" she said before running from the room.

"It's just you and me now." Identical faces nodded simultaneously as they leapt into action. Guitars turned to deadly weapons, Jordan laughed evilly as he strangled on small tabby with a guitar string and Jake cackled evilly as he stabbed a tortoise shell with an amp plug. Finally as our two heroes thought it was over, one grey ex-farm cat slunk from the shadows. With an aim so skilled it seemed fake; a plasma grenade came sailing towards Jakes face.

KABOOM!

The room shook from the explosion, the cat skittered off and Jordan was left to scream

"NO!" As parts of his twin rained down on him.

~Meanwhile in a sewer about seven miles away...~

"I can't believe you, bastard!" she screamed at the black and white cat in front of her. He happily carried on sorting his money, purple hat at an angle on his feline head, cigar puffing out smoke as his paws removed it from his mouth.

"Take her." Was all he said as the fluff descended.

"We were friends! WHAT HAPPENED HEN-REH! _(Pronouced like Hen-Ray BTW)_ WHAT HAPPENED?" Her cries faded into the darkness.

~#* Flashback rudely ended*#~

Jordan's ramblings were interrupted by a sturdy metal frame repeatedly smashing into his face.

"You didn't tell him about the time we met Dio!" said an equally crippled and old man that looked strikingly similar to Jordan.

"I won't if you keep doing that!" quipped Jordan back at his twin. And thus is how the visitor's room at Sunshine Heights old folks home was destroyed. Gah! Boys...

~#* Back to the flashback*#~

Jordan sat in the foetal position, rocking backwards and forwards, under his breath he sang a song. Finally a vortex opened in front of him, fire and lava and scantily clad women! Demons and dragons and all in between but what he mainly focused on was the worn road down the middle. The highway to hell! He ran down it to the gates of hell where the devil sat upon a throne of dead muggles and half bloods. He looked at the chair,

"I borrowed it from Voldemort! Yeesh, why does everyone do that!" said the beast upon the massacred bodies. At the gates he saw his twin and a smile lit up his face!

"JACOB!" he squealed in a huh huh, very manly way *coughcough*. "And Tilly?" he said noticing the friend that betrayed them.

"Sorry I went to see the bastard in charge, he wasn't much help. Well I think you can see that, now call for Dio!"

And so the chant began...

From a stair way made of pure gold ascended the legend of rock, Ronnie James Dio. Behind trailed the cutest man to ever live, Dave Murray and there annoying blue haired friend Georgia.

The gates opened and guitars were handed around, before they knew it the devil was applauding them and said to f*** off before he ate them all, cause like hell he could crush such talent (for now).

~#*end flashback*#~

Tom just blinked at them. He patted both their backs and slowly left the room as they went on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on. Tilly suddenly burst forth into the room, her one arm swinging wildly, screaming her little heart out.

"I FINALLLY GOT HIM!" and they all looked out to the road below to see the mangled remains of a black and white cat squished into the road, a purple hat lying forlornly beside the curb.

* * *

**THE END**


End file.
